Lesson #20: You're gonna leave voicemail.
And it's gonna get ugly.
A list of voicemails I've left my therps over the years.
“Hi, it’s Nina. Um, just calling because I realized that I’m living with a man that reminds me too much of my father and I can’t tell if that’s ok or not. Hope your vacation is going well. See you next week.”
“Hi, it’s Nina. I feel like we’re going to die in a nuclear catastrophe because Trump is our President. I can’t get out of bed. I mean I’m feeding the cat so I guess that’s fine but I don’t need to put on pants for that. I’ll see you when you get back.”
“Hi, it’s Nina. I think my depression is getting out of hand. I was doing fine then I went to work and I saw this pretzel on the ground and I saw someone step on it and watched it just crumble away into nothing and it just reminded me that everything ends in a messy pile of nothingness. Anyway now I’m eating a soft pretzel. Does that mean something? I’ll see you when you get back.”
“It’s me. Nina I mean. Am I the only person who leaves you voicemail? I had this dream that you and my mother became friends and you wanted to stop seeing me so that you could be friends with her. Does that mean something?”
“Hi, It’s Nina. I just realized that I’ve been spelling your first name wrong on the checks I made out to you for the like the last 4 years. Why didn’t you say anything? Did you say something and I just ignored you? I’m having a lot of anxiety about it. I’m also pre-emtively irrtitated that we’ll now spend the next session talking about what that means. Ok, bye.”
“Hi, it’s Nina. I want to reschedule our next session. It’s not a protest thing or a way to test your commitment to me as my therapist or anything. I just really want to eat this pizza tonight with the cat and I can’t do that any other night but tonight so we need to reschedule. Except, if you can’t see me any other time this week then I’ll see you tonight.”
“Hi, it’s Nina. Remember how in our last session we talked about how I am indecisive for a long time and then make rash decisions out of the blue because I’m trying to skip over the layers of feelings involved in those decisions? Yeah. Anyway, I quit my job.”
“It’s me. Nina. Can you call me when you can? I blagrgoa snofosplgns and I sodignwslaclapargahphans. Can you understanbe through th-th-sobbick? Okbye.”
“Hi it’s me. When are you going on vacation again? I’m trying to time my breakdown to our next session. Let me know. Thanks!”
“I just finished watching the West Wing and I’m thinking about going into politics now. But does it just mean I should write for television? I didn’t know who else to tell. It’s me, Sorkin. Haha, that was a West Wing joke get it? It’s Nina ok bye.”